Posted by: whimsigal | October 19, 2007

Lost

Have you ever felt so lost, so overwhelmed by something that you didn’t know where to begin to make it better? Have you experienced a desperate sense of loneliness, not because you don’t have people around who love you but because you feel as though you don’t even know who you are anymore? If you ever were anyone for that matter. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. These are the words one could use to describe me. Words that describe who I am in relationship to someone else, not words that describe me or any talents that I may have. Truth is, I don’t know of any talents that I have. All my life I have wanted to be great at something but, to this point, all my attempts have led me to average. When I was younger I thought I could be an artist, then a writer, then an English teacher, a veterinarian (thank god for spell check), owner and creator of my own line of cosmetics, a makeup artist. All interests of mine at one point or another but never really hitting my stride with any of them.

I’ve been feeling so out of sorts, like I’m in the middle of a busy intersection, surrounded by hurried people, not knowing which way I should go. Feeling overwhelmed by the cacophony that is on all sides of me and even placing my hands over my ears isn’t enough to drown out the deafening noise. I don’t feel sad, just empty, vacuous, like a big black hole. I’m worried because I don’t want to end up like my mother, angry and bitter about life. She turns to alcohol for solace. I turn to food or shopping. I just wish I felt something, a passion for something that involves me. Not Sean, not the kids. THey are important in my life but I feel it’s equally important for me to have something too. It seems like that’s getting lost. NOt because of anything they’re doing but because I just don’t know what to do to make it better.

I look around at my dirty, disorganized home, at my unkempt, overweight self and realize that all these things are symbols of how I feel about myself. Like I’m not worth taking care of. Maybe I’m over-analyzing, I don’t know. Perhaps I should go see someone about my feelings. Maybe I’m depressed and just can’t see it.

I know I said I wasn’t going to post anything but these thoughts have been bouncing around in my brain and I had to get them out. It has nothing to do with unschooling really, except that now with the kids being such an important focus, I’m really feeling like I’m losing myself and I’m struggling to find the balance. It’s been so difficult to keep things on an even keel and I don’t want them to suffer because of these things I’ve been feeling.

I just don’t know what to do…

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Responses

  1. Oh Evie, it’s such a hard place to be in. I have been there so many times over the years. Parenting is hard work and can be so overwhelming.

    I do have to tell you that I think you are being a little hard on yourself. You have inspired me so much since I have found your blogs.

    Reading about your boys reminds me of my Caleb so much (and he is planning on letting me post about him soon, yay!)

    Your writing about food has made me give food a second chance. To pamper myself by eating great soul nourishing food and making every effort to enjoy each and every bite.

    I love visiting your sites and being reminded of my own life. I love living my life and being reminded of you and your family when I am in the kitchen or just trampling around.

    Be well soon my dear new friend.

    Carri

  2. I love reading your site too. Why don’t you join me for NaNoWriMo? My decision to do it was much like your query in this post. The premise is not to write a great novel, but just to write. We all have a story in us and you are such a good writer!

  3. Carri,

    Maybe you’re right that I’m being too hard on myself although my intent was not to beat myself up in that post. Just wishing I had something of my own. Perhaps I’m looking for something that’s already there and I just can’t see it at this moment in time.

    I’m really, really glad that you enjoy my blogs. They are something I’ve truly enjoyed doing, more so than I anticipated.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this post and leave such a kind comment. I appreciated it very much, my friend!

    Evie

  4. MP:

    When I saw NaNoWriMo, I was like, “What the heck is that?!” and had to google it to find out what you were talking about! Having done so, I’m intrigued and thinking I just might do it! 50,000 words is a tall order for someone who has struggled in school to write a 2-page essay but it sounds like a great challenge and a lot of fun.

    You really think I’m a good writer? I always feel like my posts leave something to be desired. Now, Stephanie has an amazing way with words, so pretty. I feel like I’m twirling in circles in a chiffon dress when I read one of her posts!

    I think the November challenge sounds interesting though and I think I’m going to do it. Thank you so much for posting about it here. I never would have known about it otherwise.

    Thanks for taking the time to post a comment period!! 🙂

  5. I’m thinking.
    I’ll be back.
    In the meantime, I’m sending warmest hugs.
    I’ll also see if I can send some cleaning faeries to help. I would come over in a trice if I could.

  6. Oh Evie!

    I think I know just how you feel.

    I am so sorry that you feel lonely and lost. I know how it is to be overweight and unkempt.

    I have truly always enjoyed reading your blog. The writing is good and funny and the pictures are gorgeous. Even this sentence from the comments is wonderful: “I feel like I’m twirling in circles in a chiffon dress when I read one of her posts!” Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.

    I also really love your food pictures. You have a talent for taking pictures. We can all see your talents here every day.

    You have inspired me to eat better and less and to make my own little plate. Who knew that heavy cream would become my new friend?

    Please know that you can talk to me if you ever want to about anything. You will see my pack-rattish, dirty home next week and that will probably make you feel better about your house.

    I hope you feel better soon, friend.

  7. I’ll probably have to think about this a lot more, but here’s what I’ve got.
    “Words that describe who I am in relation to someone else”. Oprah said something about that once that I never did come to understand. She asked everyone “Who am I?” without using words such as mother, wife, writer, actor, and I suppose you could add thinker, romantic, piano player, etc to that list. And if you do, then what the hell does the question even mean?
    We are ALL statements of what we are and are not (ie in relation to something or someone else). The things we love, and think about, and admire, and pursue. There is no other way to BE (as far as I can see).

    If the trouble you’re having is feeling like you are not properly equipped with shininess or passion or talent – I have always considered spelling supercalifragilisticexpialidocious really quickly to be my talent. As well as rolling my tongue and whistling, sounding like a tugboat or the wind. My other is being able to say the alphabet backwards. THOSE are my talents. Sparkly, ain’t they?
    There is much to be admired in those, to be sure!
    I remember reading on someone’s (I thought it was zenmomma, but I looked up “creative”, and it wasn’t there) blog “If someone told me a year ago that I would consider myself a creative person I would have laughed” or something like it. I remember thinking at the time “I’m not creative, either.” No talents ( 🙂 to speak of – as already proven) no musical instruments, not particularly smart, not brilliant with crafts or a sewing machine, can’t write too good :), on and on it goes!
    Somehow I was able to change that perception, though. I think just by switching tracks from “I’m not” or “I can’t” to embracing things that I love or am interested in (such as managing to see magic in ordinary things or writing in my blogs) I’ve embraced bits and pieces of my creative self.

    That leads me back to “not interested in anything”, or not interested in life as it may seem at the moment. By that I just mean that it seems you’re feeling passionless about something involving just YOU, Edie 🙂 (so sorry about typoing your name last night! God! Can’t believe I didn’t catch it) I think that you are being too hard on yourself. It is SO easy to have an idea in your head, and just run with it. And guess what? If it’s a negative idea it grows and grows, just like a positive one does. (Such as finding unschooling to “work”) Whatever we focus on is what grows, and our thoughts and fears attach themselves to it, making it bigger and stronger, and then we’re able to say “See? I knew it!” for better OR worse.
    Interests and talents don’t have to be something that you’ve invented, or something that makes you happy every minute of every day for the rest of your life. There is no such thing! Things have to wax and wane, it’s just the way it is. It is so true that if we live in constant bliss, pretty soon we’re not even sure if we’re happy, because it Just Is. We have nothing to compare it to.
    And there are lots of us that don’t know what we want to be when we grow up.
    Most of the time I don’t even think it matters!
    Who says that you have to have one (or even two) interests that are so powerful that they’ll carry you through to the rest of your life? Really.
    Aren’t moments enough? I’m not saying that you aren’t being properly grateful for your life, I’m saying that joy and passion come in moments and flashes. (Though I believe joy is more sustainable – but you have to recognize it!)
    No one can tell you how best to live your life – and to satisfy your mind and heart, that’s for you to decide.
    I’m only trying to urge you to change your focus from “I’ve never climbed Mt. Everest and put my flag at the top” to “how do I want to create my best life?”

    Lastly – (and isn’t everyone releived) about the house and weight thing –
    Houses just get away, sometimes. It just happens. I told you of my cobwebs, and if I were extremely generous I’d take a picture of my kitchen floor right this minute (though the rest of the house is in good shape) but I’m not feeling up for such exposure to strangers! – not you, of course)
    It happens, love. And I know how it feels, believe me. The weight thing – whenever I see a picture of me or look in the mirror, I’m surprised. Really? I still feel 125 pounds. I just cannot connect the person that I am on the inside (and have always been) with the person that I see on the outside.
    My point with that is- don’t necessarily see it as self loathing or uncaring. I haven’t any ideas how to fix it – obviously- but be kind to yourself about it, and treat yourself as you would a friend who is struggling.
    Much loves to you, Honey, and please keep us posted.
    Looking forward to hearing from you on the flipside.
    You WILL be, you know.

  8. One other thing – I just had to reconnect (thank God I didn’t lose my comment! I’d have cried) and while I was reconnecting, my word of the day came up – it’s “lacuna” and it means “empty space”.
    🙂
    Isn’t that interesting?
    xxoo

  9. My attempt at wisdom:

    Some mothers are mothers in title only, but being a mother is not about having born kids but having nurtured them. Same thing with being a wife, sister, etc. You may have those titles officially, but you can be truly good at that title by nurturing those relationships.

    I believe relationships with people we love are the most important things in this world. Nurture those and you are a wonderful person.

  10. ps
    hope I didn’t overstep or assume things that I shouldn’t have in my (Almost Long 🙂 ) comment.
    I was just trying to help a friend over a hump.
    (I’m worried, can you tell?)
    xxoo

  11. Marin,

    Thank you for your comment as well. We have so much in common that it doesn’t come as a surprise that you would empathize with me here too.

    I’m certain we’ll talk more next week.

    🙂

    Evie

  12. kmduff,

    i totally agree that relationships are important and certainly hope that my post didn’t imply that I feel otherwise. Without them life would be completely devoid of joy for me.

    Also, I wasn’t really questioning my goodness as a person because I do feel like a good person. I think I was trying to say that I don’t feel whole.

    You are right though that relationships are very important and need nurturing. Thanks for coming by and posting your comment.

    *****************

    One more thing from me, as I seem to have set off a firestorm with this post and I really didn’t mean to. Just to assure everyone, I’m ok, not going to hurt myself or anything like that. I am not, have never been, and will never be in that kind of place. I was just trying to vent because the emotion I was experiencing was very overwhelming and this blog has been a godsend for me in times like this. For anyone who has read this and is worried about my health and safety, please rest assured that in that regard, I’m in tip-top shape.

    Thanks very much for your concern!

    Much love,

    Evie

  13. As to “not hurting yourself” – when I said I was worried, just so you know, I meant worried about offending you, not worried about You.
    I almost sent Yet Another comment to say as much, but then thought “well, that’s rude!, I can’t hardly say “I’m not worried about YOU!” 🙂 (cause I knew you were gonna be just fine.

    So I didn’t, but now I feel much better ’cause I did.
    !
    Your crazy friend.

  14. Steph,

    Not hurting myself was in reference to a call I got from my sister-in-law who very sweetly called after reading the blog. She was worried, having gone through a rough time herself before, and she wanted to be sure I knew that it’s ok if I went to a professional for help. After talking with me she could tell I was doing all right but after reading the post she had to call me to be sure. It was very, very nice of her to call and check on me and I appreciated her concern but I wanted to be sure that everyone else knew I wasn’t in danger of harming myself!!

    By the way, you really are my crazy friend!

  15. big hugs, Evie.

  16. Big hugs Evie, funny enough we seem to be having a parallel moment. My thoughts are with you and you will get through. It’s just sometimes the path winds a bit more than we like… You’re in my thoughts. ((((Hugs)))))

  17. Soapchix and Sheri,

    Thanks for the hugs! I feel much better today.

    Evie

  18. I’ve been moving through similar issues myself. Hugs to you.

  19. Linda, right back at you then, friend. I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar place although if we look as it as the road to discovery then perhaps it not such a bad thing!

    Evie

  20. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling blue. I’ve been in that same space many times. I’d see a friend be very adept at cooking, or pottery, or painting, or whatever, and feel ‘less’ because I didn’t have a ‘something’ that was my gift or passion or stand-out trait. Jack of all trades, master of none, so they say. And then a dear friend told me that IS indeed my gift – my ability to be a little bit of many things and relate to many different people, something others are not always able to do. And I felt a bit better.

    On a more practical note, when you’re feeling in a good space, make a list of all the things you think you’d like to do/try and things you already know you like to do. Paint, bake, hike a trail, learn to sing, visit every museum in a 50 mile radius, whatever. Go crazy and list everything you can think of. Then get that list out when you’re feeling especially blue or ouchy and pick something. My kids and I have these lists, and by golly it works. Something on there always gets the ‘aha, I forgot about that’ going and we’re swept out of our funk.

    Big, warm, long hugs to you!

    L

  21. Laura! You get me, you really get me! (insert sally field impression here)

    Thank you for this comment because that is exactly how I see myself, as a Jack of all trades and to read how your friend related that to you made me feel much better about it.

    Also, the list idea is a good one and I’m definitely going to sit down and do it.

    Thanks so much for stopping by!

    Evie


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